Expectations.

I fucking hate expectations. There's nothing worse then someone expects you to act one way and you don't.

Actually, there is something worse. When you expect something awesome, potentially really awesome, to happen and it DOESN'T. It's not like I got my hopes up. I just felt like things were turning around. I started feeling way better about everything. Like, it's finally time to move on. It's finally time to start something new, you finally feel comfortable with yourself again. Honestly, after the shit I went through with the last one, I'm surprised I'm even considering wanting a new man! But I feel it's time. I'm ready to not be alone.

And something (or one) with some serious potential falls into my lap and what happens.... everything changes? All of a sudden? At first it was great! Light flirtation and conversation. Really thought things were on the same page. Now I'm lucking if I get 3 sentences, much less anything more solid. Oh, I'm alive with pleasure now that you've just walked away YET AGAIN. Get over here and make out with me you dumbass.

This is what I fucking hate about the whole "dating" world. I could never live on sex and the city. Not because I'm not dating girl but also because men are so flighty. They change their minds, or they don't show you how you really feel, and it's all just bullshit. And of course we haven't known each other THAT long so it's not like I can be like HEY. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. When did you stop being into me?

What I really want to know is how this happened before I was fucking aware of it. Within the span of a day, I swear. How do things flip around like that? How do MEN change their minds so quickly? And it all comes back... is it me? Is it something about me? When really I know it's not.

The point of the bitching: I'm ready, and the timing just isn't. There's a lot of guys I wish I had met NOW and not back then when I wasn't ready.

Who knows...

Not entirely sure why I've created this, but I think I need a new emotional outlet (not including painting, music, reading, etc). I need to start writing. Get my thoughts out there, so that I can further understand what the hell is going on in my tiny brain. Well that's not true, I don't have a tiny brain. I do however have a lot going on in it, and sometimes it's hard to keep track of. Work, continuing my education eventually, friends, home-life, family, love and sex life, it's all too much after a while. Sometimes you just need to write to get everything out.

I live in a cute little apartment with my adorable best friend. We've been friends for 10 years now, and living together for 3. We have our rough moments, but we always push through them. Sometimes I don't think we spend enough time together as friends, only roommates. It's like we forget that we were friends first. We need to focus on that part of our relationship more. Her boyfriend stays with us a bunch, and I just love him. He's a good guy, and treats her really well, which is a first for her.

I work at a non-profit art gallery that features VT artists. I love it. I love art. I love being around it. I want to work in museums and galleries for the rest of my life. I miss researching and writing about art though, so who knows, maybe this will turn into that. Maybe I can force myself to do little art historical projects while I'm out of school.

I graduated in December and now I'm taking time off before grad school. Soon, I'll have a clear idea of what the hell I actually want in life.

I have amazing friends, no boyfriend as of right now. I was in a very serious relationship until November, and I'm taking everything slow on that front. I can't stand the idea of getting crushed again, so I need to be very careful.. There will more then likely be more to update about this as time goes on. Sometimes I'm being pursued, sometimes I'm not. But over the past couple weeks I've certainly developed feelings for someone, and now I just have to remember how to tackle those feelings. I haven't done this in about 4 years. Shit.

Unfortunately I have the next 4 fucking days off, so I really need to find something to do with myself. It better not rain all week.