And so it goes...

Not getting interviewed for a job that I, hands down, would have rocked at, has given me a lot to think about. Mainly, the "what next?" question has crossed my mind several times. If I didn't get the job, the plan was to always continue the application process, and go back to school next fall. BUT... in the 6 weeks that I waited to hear about the job, a lot happened that made me reconsider....

Well, actually, not a lot happened... I think I grew up some more. I realized that I don't need to move to change my life... it might not even make it better! Really, to change my life, I need to force myself to be happier with what I have. And strangely enough, the idea of moving away to graduate school made me start appreciating everything and everyone around me. You know, my roommate is always talking about leaving and moving out of VT. Sometimes I'm not really entirely sure she even enjoys my company anymore, so I take it personally when she says all of that. I, too, want to move, but I don't want to move to leave people... and I'm not sure now is the time for me.

Lately at the gallery I've been given a lot of responsibility, and they've definitely shown how much they appreciate me. I just want more from them. Not money (necessarily), but more work focused on what I'm interested in... And actually, by sticking around I might be giving myself that chance for some of our upcoming shows :).

PLUS why would I go back to school to get a degree in a field where there aren't any jobs and too many people trying to get the ones there are, anyway.

So I have a lot to think about. And I'm thinking still. But I am not the same person I was a year ago when the devil and I broke up. I've grown so so much, and I want to keep growing. I'm not sure that moving right now is going to help me grow. It WILL help me grow EVENTUALLY. and I 100% plan on doing it. But it might end up being a setback at the moment....

Cleansing

I've decided that my spirit, my soul, my something needs cleansing. I'd been having trouble in our new house for a while, maybe it's just the presence of negative energy, maybe it's an actual spirit, or maybe it's negative energy in me. I cleansed the whole house with sage which has helped, so much! I sleep much better at night... But now the bathroom is full of it, which I know is really weird. I may have to cleanse that more.

No, this is not hokey shit. I really believe that energy can truly affect our daily lives, and our spiritual existence.

It's been a year (exactly, this weekend), since the shitty breakup. And I haven't had the best luck since. Constantly getting sick, constantly ignored by men, constantly broke, etc. Things just haven't been working out for me this year.

I found this really great set of instructions really on how to cleanse your soul and spirit and help your karma:

http://liliyanadivinehealer.blogspot.com/2011/02/universal-meditation-for-cleansing.html?showComment=1320506196473#c1845861145727768015

Whether it's because I thought badly about other people or they thought badly about me, but there is negative energy around me. Last night was supposed to be great... it was supposed to be amazing. And it wasn't great, it wasn't all that amazing. Sure, it was fun. But I ended up not seeing the guy I wanted to see, and instead meeting the girl who took my ex's virginity!? I'm sorry, but WHAT? Hello, my life. This is how it works.

The guy I wanted to see is great. He's not a jerk like most of the men I go for. He's sweet. He's cute. I think I could really like him. Right now, of course, we're just friends. And really, we're just friends who only hang out at metal shows. Which is fine. But I'm ready to get to know him, and suddenly he's unavailable. It's just how it works with me.

So today I'm going to cleanse. I'm going to do yoga. I'm going to do all kinds of things because I really need to feel whole again.

And p.s. no word about the job yet....

School or Work

It's the ultimate question. Time is currently limited for me as I just woke up but I had to jot it down.

School next fall for my masters... moving away from a place I'v lived for a while.... to further my education for a career that most likely will depend on it...

OR

Staying here for 2 more years on a grant funded, contract position in the field I want to work in, with really, really good pay.

Well I applied. I'm waiting. It's SUCH an amazing opportunity. I worked with the lady before and she has so much to teach me, to offer me, and I really enjoyed her company.

But it is a big decision.

I haven't heard back. It should be soon I think. I hate leaving the gallery I'm at but... I just feel I need to do this.

But I also feel that it's just too good to be true :(. If I don't hear back soon, I'm going to lose it. I'm also going to miss my chance to take the GREs and then I really won't be able to apply for school. And THAT will be super shitty. So I hope its soon.

Just needed to jot that down... I need to not feel nervous about this all the time. I'm starting to stress eat far more then I should...

SOA, zumba, work, etc

Totally beat. Rough but awesome week.

My 6-day work week is slowly coming to a close (one more day tomorrow). And then it's wedding time (WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THESE WEDDINGS THIS YEAR, WHAT THE FUCK).

I HAPPILY rejoiced over the premiere of Sons of Anarchy with my sidekick Cassie. SO SO SO GOOD. So surprising. When they shot all those Russians? We LITERALLY both sat up o the couch and were like "WHAT"? It was awesome. I wondered if that might happen. You could tell Jax was still pissed from being shanked. Um, who wouldn't be?

Well, either way, Kurt has to pick a fan to fly out to LA now. I gotta say, I'd love, love to be that person. I've never been to LA. It's been a shit storm of a fucking year. The break up, the graduating, the crazy job shit, the chronic sinus infections, the moving, the dumbass ex putting his dick in everything that moves and now being a total ass to me (and what the fuck did I do to him), the bacterial stomach infection I had last week, and now the stress (mainly emotional) of trying to apply to graduate school... too much. I'd love to have something fun to look forward to, other then my normal routine (which I don't mind, I love my job, I love Zumba, I love my friends, etc).

I'm not trying to complain too much. But I'm so over 2011. It wasn't the best year I've ever had. HOWEVER, I also know and respect the fact that EVERYONE has a reason for wanting to be picked. Everyone has a good one. I mean, I could use the little farm girl who grew up really fast when mom got MS bit, but I WOULDN'T. I just like having things to look forward to. Even if they're in an hour. I love being excited for things. And let me tell you, I get excited for tiny little things. Like, for example, our gallery is having a special sale this weekend in order to donate money to our artists who lost their studios our homes (or in one case, both) to that bee-otch Irene. We never have sales. I work in an extremely expensive, high-end gallery that does not have sales or sale items. the only discounts given are to members and marketplace employees (or gallery employees, duh). And for some reason I am so excited for this. Maybe because I like when special things happen, and this is such a good cause. That starts tomorrow, and I can't wait! Even though, as I said before, it's my 6th day in a row... but I can't wait to go in!

My point is, I'd love to be that person that got picked. But I'm not going to sweat it if I'm not. I'm not going to be pissed if I'm not. He's going to have a hard enough time picking anyway, unless he just chooses randomly. I'm just proud that he had such a bump in viewers. It's awesome! So tremendous.

On another note, I've been doing Zumba so much lately that I actually feel empowered when I walk home... Saint Paul St is a nice gradual slope, but by the time you get to the top... you're a little tired.

Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

"Whether tears in my eyes, pain in my heart, dust in my mind or bruises on my body, I am a champion, and when I get tired I will keep on going!"

-Tanya Beardsley

Zumba Education Specialist 

I just talked about how rough my year was, but you know what? I try to remember that quote. And I work hard at every single thing I do. That way, I never feel like I didn't do my best, and I always feel my toughest. Walking up Saint Paul Street, and doing zumba 4 nights in a row, every week, really helps me feel that way.

Moving blows.

Does anyone actually enjoy moving? I hate it. I moved barely 2 miles from my old place, and I hate it. I started this sad little blog in the midst of packing and moving, hence being unable to actually write in it.

However, we're here. We're moved in. We aren't unpacked and the house is in shambles, but at least we're here. My bedroom is basically done, and I actually like it. I have new sheets, blankets, pillows and curtains picked out (not yet purchased.. moving is expensive). Hoping to buy those when I get my security deposit back. Still looking for a Sons of Anarchy flag to hang on my walls. We need curtains for the living room and dining room, we need screens for some windows, and we need like 300 things for our bathroom, but other then that, we're here.

I also had the luxury of having a bacterial stomach infection for a week and a half (still going on, too). I'm much better then I was, but I still have to watch what I eat and not over exert myself. Stupid Lake Champlain...

However, now that I'm feeling a bit better and finally moved, I'm back to working full time and hopefully things will fall into place. I'm anxiously waiting for several things to happen in my life, and I'm not even sure when they WILL happen. I'm also trying to not be anxious about them... there's no point in being anxious about the future, because it's going to happen no matter how you feel about it. Just ride it out, control what you can, and let the rest happen. I need to remind myself of that at all times.

And lastly, SOA STARTS IN 3 FUCKING DAYS.

I just can't wait anymore.

Weddings and things

"I mean, it's all any of us wants - to find a nice person to hang out with 'til we drop dead. Not a lot to ask."


I went to a wedding the last week of July and one the first week of August. I have 2 more this year: September and October.

All of these weddings prompted me to think about finding the person of your dreams. Especially finding that person at such a young age. Many people seem to have it "set" already. They already found that person, even in their early 20s. I thought I did, but now looking back, I'm glad I hadn't. It never would have worked...

Strangely enough, my roommate brought up this exact topic, because a friend of ours asked her if her and her boyfriend were engaged yet. She was incredulous. She couldn't believe anyone even thought of them as being a couple who WOULD get engaged.

I didn't tell her this, but I wanted to: they really do!! Maybe not right now. So much could change for them... and so much would HAVE to change in order for that to work. Some growing up might help.


Back to her point of view: We're already 23...If we haven't found him yet, that means we need to meet him, get to know him, date him for a while and then we can consider the marriage thing... which means it's more WAITING. She's already with a guy, one she isn't going to leave any time soon. Which means if he isn't the guy, she needs to wait until that's over first.

I am not with anyone. I don't know how much longer I have to wait until I find that someone, but after the nasty break up I went through I finally feel like I'm ready. But honestly, I also feel like I'm ready to just.. be in a nice happy committed relationship again, that will last.

But if it doesn't happen soon... I'm just going to be waiting!! My roommate is at least fairly set because she is with a guy who COULD be THE guy. I am with no one. I still have to do the meeting, getting to know, etc. Ug, I hate that. So much pressure in dating.

We're both so sick of dating. So sick of everything just ending. Not working out. Being over. I'm so sick of relationships where things like "Is he trustworthy?" really come into question. I would just like it work. Find him, have it work. I'm not a taxing girlfriend... I'm pretty sweet actually. I don't nag, I'm not possessive or jealous, I don't take him away from his friends, I encourage him to hang out with them, etc. So being in a committed relationship with me isn't so bad! To be honest, it'd be hard to commit right away though, after everything I went through. Can we just start nice and casual and just have it... happen!?

I will say this here, but not to her: I really hope my roommate and her boyfriend do last. I love them as a couple. They're perfect.

Another couple that we're friends with (well they're broken up now) have been going through some rough shit, and I thought they'd last at least for a while longer. But he keeps changing his mind on her and doesn't know if he loves her anymore or not.

Guys: lesson one: MAN UP. Whether its confessing something, just saying no to other chicks (or not chasing tail in general), committing to be with the woman you love, or backing out and NOT stringing things along when something isn't working!! Seriously, men are supposed to be so manly and tough... if that's what you call manly, then I'm way tougher then you and I'm annoyed by it. So many men do not act their age at all when it comes to relationships.

So that's another thing: finding a guy who knows how to man up when necessary would be really decent. I don't necessarily mean some badass tough guy... honestly, they're not so good at relationships.

"But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house, and since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking, 'If I could only find a man like Aragorn,' he picked me."

Expectations.

I fucking hate expectations. There's nothing worse then someone expects you to act one way and you don't.

Actually, there is something worse. When you expect something awesome, potentially really awesome, to happen and it DOESN'T. It's not like I got my hopes up. I just felt like things were turning around. I started feeling way better about everything. Like, it's finally time to move on. It's finally time to start something new, you finally feel comfortable with yourself again. Honestly, after the shit I went through with the last one, I'm surprised I'm even considering wanting a new man! But I feel it's time. I'm ready to not be alone.

And something (or one) with some serious potential falls into my lap and what happens.... everything changes? All of a sudden? At first it was great! Light flirtation and conversation. Really thought things were on the same page. Now I'm lucking if I get 3 sentences, much less anything more solid. Oh, I'm alive with pleasure now that you've just walked away YET AGAIN. Get over here and make out with me you dumbass.

This is what I fucking hate about the whole "dating" world. I could never live on sex and the city. Not because I'm not dating girl but also because men are so flighty. They change their minds, or they don't show you how you really feel, and it's all just bullshit. And of course we haven't known each other THAT long so it's not like I can be like HEY. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. When did you stop being into me?

What I really want to know is how this happened before I was fucking aware of it. Within the span of a day, I swear. How do things flip around like that? How do MEN change their minds so quickly? And it all comes back... is it me? Is it something about me? When really I know it's not.

The point of the bitching: I'm ready, and the timing just isn't. There's a lot of guys I wish I had met NOW and not back then when I wasn't ready.

Who knows...

Not entirely sure why I've created this, but I think I need a new emotional outlet (not including painting, music, reading, etc). I need to start writing. Get my thoughts out there, so that I can further understand what the hell is going on in my tiny brain. Well that's not true, I don't have a tiny brain. I do however have a lot going on in it, and sometimes it's hard to keep track of. Work, continuing my education eventually, friends, home-life, family, love and sex life, it's all too much after a while. Sometimes you just need to write to get everything out.

I live in a cute little apartment with my adorable best friend. We've been friends for 10 years now, and living together for 3. We have our rough moments, but we always push through them. Sometimes I don't think we spend enough time together as friends, only roommates. It's like we forget that we were friends first. We need to focus on that part of our relationship more. Her boyfriend stays with us a bunch, and I just love him. He's a good guy, and treats her really well, which is a first for her.

I work at a non-profit art gallery that features VT artists. I love it. I love art. I love being around it. I want to work in museums and galleries for the rest of my life. I miss researching and writing about art though, so who knows, maybe this will turn into that. Maybe I can force myself to do little art historical projects while I'm out of school.

I graduated in December and now I'm taking time off before grad school. Soon, I'll have a clear idea of what the hell I actually want in life.

I have amazing friends, no boyfriend as of right now. I was in a very serious relationship until November, and I'm taking everything slow on that front. I can't stand the idea of getting crushed again, so I need to be very careful.. There will more then likely be more to update about this as time goes on. Sometimes I'm being pursued, sometimes I'm not. But over the past couple weeks I've certainly developed feelings for someone, and now I just have to remember how to tackle those feelings. I haven't done this in about 4 years. Shit.

Unfortunately I have the next 4 fucking days off, so I really need to find something to do with myself. It better not rain all week.