Oh yeah I have this....

I forgot I had this. I also forgot why...

But sometimes I need to write things, and it helps. I have very little care if anyone reads it or not.

In the past, I've learned that I over think everything. EVERYTHING. My current life, my job, my relationships with friends, dudes, acquaintances, my future, school, politics. I never stop thinking which is good, but I need to stop OVER thinking.

I've been working on it for a while, but my cousin posted this on facebook which is what made me think of it:

For yesterday is but a memory,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday a memory of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well therefore to this day.

My biggest issue is that I try to accomplish too much in a single day. I try to fix every problem, I try to smooth every argument or issue, I try to move forward with things that are still standing still.

For a while now I've been doing every thing I can to not move my life forward faster then it should go. I haven't been thinking about grad school that much, I haven't been thinking about my future at my job more then I should.. I've just been going through the motions of my life. I DO think I'm better off for it. I find it easier to try new things, to get to know new people, and to live life better.

But is that the right choice? I would hate to see life become stagnant. Of course I know that in order for things to happen, I have to MAKE them happen, but I think there's a limit on that. I think we have to balance what we DO and what life GIVES us. We have to take each day as a single different day then all the others, we have to grab possibilities as they come at us, we have to make possibilities happen. But we also have to take the days where there are no possibilities or no opportunities, and smile at those days too, and still somehow find a way to enjoy them.

It's finding the balance that everyone needs to work on. Because of course this isn't just a message for me, I think everyone has this problem.

So don't let your life get away from you, but don't get away from your life, either. Somehow keep them in line with each other. You aren't racing your life. But it WILL race by you if you let it. You have to keep at pace with it. How do you do that? Think of that quote.

So today I'm going to do the same thing I did yesterday. I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow. But for sure, I know what I'm going to do today. And I'm going to smile about it, because it's what I do.

What I do know about the future is that as each day goes on, new opportunities rise, and we have to grab them before they go racing by....

And so it goes...

Not getting interviewed for a job that I, hands down, would have rocked at, has given me a lot to think about. Mainly, the "what next?" question has crossed my mind several times. If I didn't get the job, the plan was to always continue the application process, and go back to school next fall. BUT... in the 6 weeks that I waited to hear about the job, a lot happened that made me reconsider....

Well, actually, not a lot happened... I think I grew up some more. I realized that I don't need to move to change my life... it might not even make it better! Really, to change my life, I need to force myself to be happier with what I have. And strangely enough, the idea of moving away to graduate school made me start appreciating everything and everyone around me. You know, my roommate is always talking about leaving and moving out of VT. Sometimes I'm not really entirely sure she even enjoys my company anymore, so I take it personally when she says all of that. I, too, want to move, but I don't want to move to leave people... and I'm not sure now is the time for me.

Lately at the gallery I've been given a lot of responsibility, and they've definitely shown how much they appreciate me. I just want more from them. Not money (necessarily), but more work focused on what I'm interested in... And actually, by sticking around I might be giving myself that chance for some of our upcoming shows :).

PLUS why would I go back to school to get a degree in a field where there aren't any jobs and too many people trying to get the ones there are, anyway.

So I have a lot to think about. And I'm thinking still. But I am not the same person I was a year ago when the devil and I broke up. I've grown so so much, and I want to keep growing. I'm not sure that moving right now is going to help me grow. It WILL help me grow EVENTUALLY. and I 100% plan on doing it. But it might end up being a setback at the moment....

Cleansing

I've decided that my spirit, my soul, my something needs cleansing. I'd been having trouble in our new house for a while, maybe it's just the presence of negative energy, maybe it's an actual spirit, or maybe it's negative energy in me. I cleansed the whole house with sage which has helped, so much! I sleep much better at night... But now the bathroom is full of it, which I know is really weird. I may have to cleanse that more.

No, this is not hokey shit. I really believe that energy can truly affect our daily lives, and our spiritual existence.

It's been a year (exactly, this weekend), since the shitty breakup. And I haven't had the best luck since. Constantly getting sick, constantly ignored by men, constantly broke, etc. Things just haven't been working out for me this year.

I found this really great set of instructions really on how to cleanse your soul and spirit and help your karma:

http://liliyanadivinehealer.blogspot.com/2011/02/universal-meditation-for-cleansing.html?showComment=1320506196473#c1845861145727768015

Whether it's because I thought badly about other people or they thought badly about me, but there is negative energy around me. Last night was supposed to be great... it was supposed to be amazing. And it wasn't great, it wasn't all that amazing. Sure, it was fun. But I ended up not seeing the guy I wanted to see, and instead meeting the girl who took my ex's virginity!? I'm sorry, but WHAT? Hello, my life. This is how it works.

The guy I wanted to see is great. He's not a jerk like most of the men I go for. He's sweet. He's cute. I think I could really like him. Right now, of course, we're just friends. And really, we're just friends who only hang out at metal shows. Which is fine. But I'm ready to get to know him, and suddenly he's unavailable. It's just how it works with me.

So today I'm going to cleanse. I'm going to do yoga. I'm going to do all kinds of things because I really need to feel whole again.

And p.s. no word about the job yet....

School or Work

It's the ultimate question. Time is currently limited for me as I just woke up but I had to jot it down.

School next fall for my masters... moving away from a place I'v lived for a while.... to further my education for a career that most likely will depend on it...

OR

Staying here for 2 more years on a grant funded, contract position in the field I want to work in, with really, really good pay.

Well I applied. I'm waiting. It's SUCH an amazing opportunity. I worked with the lady before and she has so much to teach me, to offer me, and I really enjoyed her company.

But it is a big decision.

I haven't heard back. It should be soon I think. I hate leaving the gallery I'm at but... I just feel I need to do this.

But I also feel that it's just too good to be true :(. If I don't hear back soon, I'm going to lose it. I'm also going to miss my chance to take the GREs and then I really won't be able to apply for school. And THAT will be super shitty. So I hope its soon.

Just needed to jot that down... I need to not feel nervous about this all the time. I'm starting to stress eat far more then I should...

SOA, zumba, work, etc

Totally beat. Rough but awesome week.

My 6-day work week is slowly coming to a close (one more day tomorrow). And then it's wedding time (WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THESE WEDDINGS THIS YEAR, WHAT THE FUCK).

I HAPPILY rejoiced over the premiere of Sons of Anarchy with my sidekick Cassie. SO SO SO GOOD. So surprising. When they shot all those Russians? We LITERALLY both sat up o the couch and were like "WHAT"? It was awesome. I wondered if that might happen. You could tell Jax was still pissed from being shanked. Um, who wouldn't be?

Well, either way, Kurt has to pick a fan to fly out to LA now. I gotta say, I'd love, love to be that person. I've never been to LA. It's been a shit storm of a fucking year. The break up, the graduating, the crazy job shit, the chronic sinus infections, the moving, the dumbass ex putting his dick in everything that moves and now being a total ass to me (and what the fuck did I do to him), the bacterial stomach infection I had last week, and now the stress (mainly emotional) of trying to apply to graduate school... too much. I'd love to have something fun to look forward to, other then my normal routine (which I don't mind, I love my job, I love Zumba, I love my friends, etc).

I'm not trying to complain too much. But I'm so over 2011. It wasn't the best year I've ever had. HOWEVER, I also know and respect the fact that EVERYONE has a reason for wanting to be picked. Everyone has a good one. I mean, I could use the little farm girl who grew up really fast when mom got MS bit, but I WOULDN'T. I just like having things to look forward to. Even if they're in an hour. I love being excited for things. And let me tell you, I get excited for tiny little things. Like, for example, our gallery is having a special sale this weekend in order to donate money to our artists who lost their studios our homes (or in one case, both) to that bee-otch Irene. We never have sales. I work in an extremely expensive, high-end gallery that does not have sales or sale items. the only discounts given are to members and marketplace employees (or gallery employees, duh). And for some reason I am so excited for this. Maybe because I like when special things happen, and this is such a good cause. That starts tomorrow, and I can't wait! Even though, as I said before, it's my 6th day in a row... but I can't wait to go in!

My point is, I'd love to be that person that got picked. But I'm not going to sweat it if I'm not. I'm not going to be pissed if I'm not. He's going to have a hard enough time picking anyway, unless he just chooses randomly. I'm just proud that he had such a bump in viewers. It's awesome! So tremendous.

On another note, I've been doing Zumba so much lately that I actually feel empowered when I walk home... Saint Paul St is a nice gradual slope, but by the time you get to the top... you're a little tired.

Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

"Whether tears in my eyes, pain in my heart, dust in my mind or bruises on my body, I am a champion, and when I get tired I will keep on going!"

-Tanya Beardsley

Zumba Education Specialist 

I just talked about how rough my year was, but you know what? I try to remember that quote. And I work hard at every single thing I do. That way, I never feel like I didn't do my best, and I always feel my toughest. Walking up Saint Paul Street, and doing zumba 4 nights in a row, every week, really helps me feel that way.

Moving blows.

Does anyone actually enjoy moving? I hate it. I moved barely 2 miles from my old place, and I hate it. I started this sad little blog in the midst of packing and moving, hence being unable to actually write in it.

However, we're here. We're moved in. We aren't unpacked and the house is in shambles, but at least we're here. My bedroom is basically done, and I actually like it. I have new sheets, blankets, pillows and curtains picked out (not yet purchased.. moving is expensive). Hoping to buy those when I get my security deposit back. Still looking for a Sons of Anarchy flag to hang on my walls. We need curtains for the living room and dining room, we need screens for some windows, and we need like 300 things for our bathroom, but other then that, we're here.

I also had the luxury of having a bacterial stomach infection for a week and a half (still going on, too). I'm much better then I was, but I still have to watch what I eat and not over exert myself. Stupid Lake Champlain...

However, now that I'm feeling a bit better and finally moved, I'm back to working full time and hopefully things will fall into place. I'm anxiously waiting for several things to happen in my life, and I'm not even sure when they WILL happen. I'm also trying to not be anxious about them... there's no point in being anxious about the future, because it's going to happen no matter how you feel about it. Just ride it out, control what you can, and let the rest happen. I need to remind myself of that at all times.

And lastly, SOA STARTS IN 3 FUCKING DAYS.

I just can't wait anymore.

Weddings and things

"I mean, it's all any of us wants - to find a nice person to hang out with 'til we drop dead. Not a lot to ask."


I went to a wedding the last week of July and one the first week of August. I have 2 more this year: September and October.

All of these weddings prompted me to think about finding the person of your dreams. Especially finding that person at such a young age. Many people seem to have it "set" already. They already found that person, even in their early 20s. I thought I did, but now looking back, I'm glad I hadn't. It never would have worked...

Strangely enough, my roommate brought up this exact topic, because a friend of ours asked her if her and her boyfriend were engaged yet. She was incredulous. She couldn't believe anyone even thought of them as being a couple who WOULD get engaged.

I didn't tell her this, but I wanted to: they really do!! Maybe not right now. So much could change for them... and so much would HAVE to change in order for that to work. Some growing up might help.


Back to her point of view: We're already 23...If we haven't found him yet, that means we need to meet him, get to know him, date him for a while and then we can consider the marriage thing... which means it's more WAITING. She's already with a guy, one she isn't going to leave any time soon. Which means if he isn't the guy, she needs to wait until that's over first.

I am not with anyone. I don't know how much longer I have to wait until I find that someone, but after the nasty break up I went through I finally feel like I'm ready. But honestly, I also feel like I'm ready to just.. be in a nice happy committed relationship again, that will last.

But if it doesn't happen soon... I'm just going to be waiting!! My roommate is at least fairly set because she is with a guy who COULD be THE guy. I am with no one. I still have to do the meeting, getting to know, etc. Ug, I hate that. So much pressure in dating.

We're both so sick of dating. So sick of everything just ending. Not working out. Being over. I'm so sick of relationships where things like "Is he trustworthy?" really come into question. I would just like it work. Find him, have it work. I'm not a taxing girlfriend... I'm pretty sweet actually. I don't nag, I'm not possessive or jealous, I don't take him away from his friends, I encourage him to hang out with them, etc. So being in a committed relationship with me isn't so bad! To be honest, it'd be hard to commit right away though, after everything I went through. Can we just start nice and casual and just have it... happen!?

I will say this here, but not to her: I really hope my roommate and her boyfriend do last. I love them as a couple. They're perfect.

Another couple that we're friends with (well they're broken up now) have been going through some rough shit, and I thought they'd last at least for a while longer. But he keeps changing his mind on her and doesn't know if he loves her anymore or not.

Guys: lesson one: MAN UP. Whether its confessing something, just saying no to other chicks (or not chasing tail in general), committing to be with the woman you love, or backing out and NOT stringing things along when something isn't working!! Seriously, men are supposed to be so manly and tough... if that's what you call manly, then I'm way tougher then you and I'm annoyed by it. So many men do not act their age at all when it comes to relationships.

So that's another thing: finding a guy who knows how to man up when necessary would be really decent. I don't necessarily mean some badass tough guy... honestly, they're not so good at relationships.

"But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house, and since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking, 'If I could only find a man like Aragorn,' he picked me."